Because life is a series of edits

Top Ten Ways to Frighten the New Neighbors

In Family, Places, Places & Spaces on July 17, 2008 at 4:14 pm

10. Introduce yourself…with psychoses.

9. Spread out all your crap stuff across the backyard and explain that, just for fun, you’re re-creating the plane crash set from LOST.

8. Recruit high school students to help you move so everyone thinks you have 17 teenagers.

7. Ask if you can borrow a roll of toilet paper, and then ask if they want it back when you’re done.

6. Make friends with your neighbor’s dog(s), reminiscing about the dog you used to have until…well…something terrible happened.

5. Smile and wave. A lot.

4. Don’t smile and wave. At all.

3. Remark that you’re not sure exactly where your property line is, but really, what’s a few feet between neighbors?

2. Inquire as to the official neighborhood protocol for party parking.

1. Mention you keep a blog.

We’re in. More later.

  1. Ah, I love a good Craig Dunham top ten list!

    Does this mean the internet company came through with the installation??

  2. Indeed, Amy, we’re up and running at home. Blogosphere, beware (that is, as soon as I can find a place to sit down and write something).

  3. Nice list. I might add, walk around naked inside, at night, with all the lights on, carrying a butterfly net.

  4. #11. Pass out flyers for a block party featuring Jello shots. (Thankfully, those neighbors have moved away.)

    #12. Keep ALL the dirty diapers, unbagged, in a trash can in the driveway for weeks at at time during constant 100-degree weather. Odorific organic art, I tell you.

  5. #13. Invite me over and I’ll wear a sleeveless shirt while walking around the house.

  6. Nah, in this neighborhood you would fit right in, Travis. :)

    So consider yourself invited over.

  7. hah, #8 is funny.

    I can see you doing numbers 4 and 5 at the same time.

  8. In case anyone’s been watching the news, shootings are always good neighbor-scarers. Do we know how to pick ‘em or what?

  9. Very nice, mr. d. And flawless execution on #8.

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