Because life is a series of edits

American Pantheon of Gods

In Pop Culture, Westminster on October 11, 2007 at 9:20 am

This week in Biblical Ethics, we’ve been studying the First Commandment – considering God’s Person and right in calling us to faithfulness as part of his covenant with us, as well as studying a few of the many gods (Asherah, Baal(s), Chemosh, Dagon, Marduk, Molech) that Old Testament cultures (including Israel) created instead.

After the Old Testament study, I then had my students get in groups and spend some time naming our gods today, coming up with a little history (as they understood it) of where the god came from, and listing a few requirements for each god’s followers. I asked them to have fun with it (which they did), but they also made some insightful observations in the process. Here are just a few of my favorites:

  • Mart-Wal: this god was the first toy ever made; childish and mature, it believes toys are supreme, and requires the sacrifice of old toys and the purchase of new toys (every Tuesday); the more new toys you have, the greater your prosperity in heaven
  • Aquina: this is the goddess of vacation, worshiped by college students on spring break; she demands that all responsibilities be forgotten and followers behave in immoral ways; often depicted in a pink polka-dot bikini being anointed with tanning oil
  • Athletis: this god originated when the Spartans had an idea to play Ping-Pong with their enemies’ eyes; essentially, everyone must play a sport or die, and that sport must have first priority over everything; motivating motto: “if you’re not ripped, you suck”
  • iGod: this god started as a sundial and has progressed to artificial intelligence; worship includes a minimum of four hours in front of a screen and earbuds in all day long; followers are not allowed to have personal relationships with other people
  • Egoiste: this goddess of selfishness and greed was created in the Garden; she calls believers to desire what belongs to others, strive to gain an increasing number of possessions, and keep those possessions separate from others
  • The Almighty A: created at Plato’s Academy in Greece, this god lives in the hallways of modern schools; minimum sacrifice to be offered is a 4.0 G.P.A., but complete atonement is not acknowledged until one makes a $150K salary and owns a Lexus
  • Timis Hasselus: this god of avoiding hassles has been around since the beginning of time; its laws require not getting too involved in anything and avoiding conflict at all costs; sacrament includes a repetitive checking of the watch
  • Gluttoness: this goddess thrives in the lives of depressed girls who eat when they’re feeling down; followers must visit the Temple of the Golden Arches daily to take part in the sacraments, all of which must be deep-fried and super-sized
  • Sulfate: this god of pollution originated during the Industrial Revolution; believers must drive S.U.V.s and burn Styrofoam in their front yard to atone for their sins of recycling and thinking they are responsible for stewarding the planet
  • Cappucina: this goddess calls all followers to her table to bow down before her sacred beans; worshipers must have at least eight cups of overpriced coffee per day; caffeine headaches are to be embraced as due penance for disobedience

As follow-up to the assignment, one of my students sent me this link to a news report out of Springfield, MO, about the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Sure, it’s all tongue-in-cheek satire, but why are some Christians “involved” as the church’s spokesman says they are? I don’t get it.

  1. you forgot the all powerful god mula – the gravitational pull of this tidal king has cought up everyone at some point under his wing. oh, and then there is the god of race, a god our country can’t stop bowing down to no matter how fast we seek to keep pace. if we’re not careful these two gods will divide and sub counciously or not we’ll be forced to choose sides. before we’ll know it division will win and we’ll be walking around and looking just like our friends.

  2. I like reading your posts about class and your students. I think I would’ve enjoyed your classes as a high schooler!

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